Sunday 15 April 2012

'I never kiss and tell'

I’ve found myself walking past a group of ‘lads’, bantering about the girl they pulled last night and how good (or bad!) she was in bed.  On a disturbing number of occasions I’ve heard some vulgar mutterings and extremely embarrassing revelations of the all too common drunken fling.  I’ve heard girls being called some horrid names, and criticised for how much pubic hair they have, or for their choice of underwear, or for the manners in which they try to arouse a man.  I’ve felt a heartbreaking flinch at the echoing laughter at the misfortune of some poor girl oblivious to any of this mockery.  It could even be a girl I know.  It could be you.  Whatever happened to ‘I don’t kiss and tell’? 
Gone are the days where one would exercise modesty, honour, respect.  In the rise of ‘sexual liberation’ and the acceptance of sexual pluralism, we find a string of destruction trailing behind.  The most disturbing notion I have observed is that it seems to go unnoticed.  But does that make it acceptable?  So what if people are laughing behind your back - you can’t hear it so you don’t care.  Sadly that’s not the case.  We all want due respect.

When we look at the effects of gossip on a wider scale, we can see that metanarratives are being created, and standards set for women everywhere.  Women are being objectified as tools for sexual gratification, and as these tools we are expected to meet a certain criteria of how we should look, the clothes we should wear and the way we should act in a sexual setting.  With these ideals and ‘perfections’ comes a disqualification of the different, and if we do not fit these categories of the perfect sexual object we are excluded, laughed at, mocked amongst others.  The irony is found in that no-one meets these expectations.  Men expect a porn-star fantasy, when in reality, women have lumps and bumps and emotions and wants underneath that shiny shaven sexual robot.  Sorry guys, we are just as human as you are!

Now I have successfully created man-haters of you all, I would like to make the point that women too are guilty of this gossip.  Although it seems far more rare, I have heard the occasional comparison of body shape, penis size and duration of erectile function.  Girls, you wouldn’t appreciate guys talking about you in this way.  It’s not clever, and you don’t look good for mocking.  It’s actually rather embarrassing.  However, I have found that this is extremely rare, and although girls are more prone to gossip, it’s usually on the subject of the qualities the encountered man possesses.  “What does he study? Is he nice? Where did he take you? Are you going to see him again?”  Women on the whole seem to have more decency about them when it comes to mocking sexual exploits. (1) 

So, I’m not saying we should stop talking about sex.  I’m simply saying we need to start doing it respectfully, honouring the people that decide to make themselves so vulnerable to you that they allow you to share with them a sexual experience.  Whether you are in a long term relationship or participating in drunken flings (2), I urge you to have some respect for the other partner.  It’s not cool to banter about such a personal experience with ‘the lads’.  It’s not smart to mock someone because they don’t fit your ideals (3) (the truth is that you probably don’t fit theirs either).  But the fact is that you shared that experience together, you both opened up and gave yourselves physically to one another.  Surely this deserves some honour and respect. Bring it back: ‘I never kiss and tell’.


(1) I maintain however that I have no statistical proof for such a theory, I am merely referring to personal research and experience.
(2) I will refrain from going into my views on the proper use of sex on this occasion.
(3) Or arguably societies ideals.

8 comments:

  1. What about when girls say the same thing about lads?

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    1. I think you'll find she mentions that in the article.

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  2. Guys will always banter ( and girls always gossip) honestly if you *share an experience* with someone that is willing to sell you out the next day in the pub then more fool you for putting yourself in that position in the first place. You can't change that aspect of it, what you can do is respect yourself enough to wait for someone that will respect you aswell...

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    1. I think that's a fantastic point, and something that I would advise to any of my friends. But sadly, not all people will abide by that, and the vast consumption of alcohol that takes place in our culture means that people are in situations whereupon they are unable to stop and make considerations. I would definitely fight for the alternative that people need to respect themselves more and therefore avoiding such situations, because it is difficult to ask for respect from others when one does not respect oneself. However, this particular piece is aimed at a culture that seem to be far beyond respecting themselves, people often reaching out naively for sexual gratification to make them feel loved and wanted. Thank you for your input anonymous reader!

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  3. Chicks gossip about sex just as much as boys, penis size is pretty standard when talking about a pull. Perhaps its the prudent circles you move in that shelter you from this

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    1. You would be wrong to assume that I move in 'prudent circles'. If I did I would not make such assumptions, I do speak from experience and a vast amount of social research.

      Now, I am assuming that you are male (since you referred to women as 'chicks'), and therefore I would suggest that it might be difficult for you to know what women talk about as you are not one of them or one with them. As I outline in paragraph 3, women are also guilty of this, although it is very rare and I would argue that this is due to women trying to have sex like men (if you can't beat em', join em'). And even if it were the case that women do it just as men (which it is not) that still wouldn't make it ok, and I would guess that you yourself would not appreciate a woman laughing about you behind your back that way.

      I hope that helps.

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