'I never kiss and tell'

I’ve found myself walking past a group of ‘lads’, bantering about the girl they pulled last night and how good (or bad!) she was in bed.  On a disturbing number of occasions I’ve heard some vulgar mutterings and extremely embarrassing revelations of the all too common drunken fling.  I’ve heard girls being called some horrid names, and criticised for how much pubic hair they have, or for their choice of underwear, or for the manners in which they try to arouse a man.  I’ve felt a heartbreaking flinch at the echoing laughter at the misfortune of some poor girl oblivious to any of this mockery.  It could even be a girl I know.  It could be you.  Whatever happened to ‘I don’t kiss and tell’? 
Gone are the days where one would exercise modesty, honour, respect.  In the rise of ‘sexual liberation’ and the acceptance of sexual pluralism, we find a string of destruction trailing behind.  The most disturbing notion I have observed is that it seems to go unnoticed.  But does that make it acceptable?  So what if people are laughing behind your back - you can’t hear it so you don’t care.  Sadly that’s not the case.  We all want due respect.

When we look at the effects of gossip on a wider scale, we can see that metanarratives are being created, and standards set for women everywhere.  Women are being objectified as tools for sexual gratification, and as these tools we are expected to meet a certain criteria of how we should look, the clothes we should wear and the way we should act in a sexual setting.  With these ideals and ‘perfections’ comes a disqualification of the different, and if we do not fit these categories of the perfect sexual object we are excluded, laughed at, mocked amongst others.  The irony is found in that no-one meets these expectations.  Men expect a porn-star fantasy, when in reality, women have lumps and bumps and emotions and wants underneath that shiny shaven sexual robot.  Sorry guys, we are just as human as you are!

Now I have successfully created man-haters of you all, I would like to make the point that women too are guilty of this gossip.  Although it seems far more rare, I have heard the occasional comparison of body shape, penis size and duration of erectile function.  Girls, you wouldn’t appreciate guys talking about you in this way.  It’s not clever, and you don’t look good for mocking.  It’s actually rather embarrassing.  However, I have found that this is extremely rare, and although girls are more prone to gossip, it’s usually on the subject of the qualities the encountered man possesses.  “What does he study? Is he nice? Where did he take you? Are you going to see him again?”  Women on the whole seem to have more decency about them when it comes to mocking sexual exploits. (1) 

So, I’m not saying we should stop talking about sex.  I’m simply saying we need to start doing it respectfully, honouring the people that decide to make themselves so vulnerable to you that they allow you to share with them a sexual experience.  Whether you are in a long term relationship or participating in drunken flings (2), I urge you to have some respect for the other partner.  It’s not cool to banter about such a personal experience with ‘the lads’.  It’s not smart to mock someone because they don’t fit your ideals (3) (the truth is that you probably don’t fit theirs either).  But the fact is that you shared that experience together, you both opened up and gave yourselves physically to one another.  Surely this deserves some honour and respect. Bring it back: ‘I never kiss and tell’.

(1) I maintain however that I have no statistical proof for such a theory, I am merely referring to personal research and experience.

(2) I will refrain from going into my views on the proper use of sex on this occasion.

(3) Or arguably societies ideals.

Renaissance: The New Feminism

How many times have you heard that there is no need for feminism in the modern world?  Women have the right to vote, financial independence, (almost) equal job opportunities and powerful positions in the government and other institutions.  The Suffragette’s have won all they fought for, and a line has been drawn through ‘feminism’ as a done and dealt-with cured ill of our society.  So is feminism dead?

I challenge this claim with the proposal that feminism is very much alive, and an essential tool for building a great society even today.  Yes, changes have been made.  Yes, goals have been met.  Yes, norms have been broken and women have been raised up to be more strong, powerful and influential than ever before in the history of gender politics.  But, when we look at the content and context of the most powerful women today, is this what those first feminists really wanted?

Sex: that three-letter word that has more power than the likes of words such as ‘peace’, ‘freedom’ and ‘equality’.  Sex: that weapon that women have used to manipulate the predatory male into a position of passivity and reliance.  Were women really onto something when they discovered the one thing that makes any man weak?  Or have they been lulled into a false sense of security, where once again, men have got women exactly where they want them; driving and fulfilling their sexual fantasies?

Let us take a quick look at a few powerful respected women.  Carla Bruni, Lady GaGa, Beyoncé, Lady Macbeth, Margaret Thatcher (wait, how did that one get in there…).  What do they all have in common?  Sexual provocation.  These wily women have all used their gorgeous bodies and alluring intimations to get them to the top.  But although they’re in the highest places, the men are still looking up their skirts.

Beyoncé is a fantastic example of feminism gone wrong.  Feel free to cringe as I quote some lyrics here: ‘if you like it then you should’a put a ring on it’, ‘my persuasion can build a nation, endless power, the love we can devour’ and the entire theme of the song ‘Independent Women’.  All of these signify all kinds of independence for women, emphasising the power and strength they supposedly manifest in todays society.  These lyrics alone represent the passion behind those very first feminists and the ideals they strived toward.  But the reality found in other lyrics such as ‘tonight I’ll be your naughty girl’, ‘I know you want my body’ and ‘ladies let him check up on it’ reveals that women are only powerful when using their sexuality as a manipulative tool. 

Feminist fought for freedom, and women having gained this freedom were so bewildered that they didn’t quite know what to do with it.  With this newfound freedom of expression, mixed together with male expectations, women easily fell into the bitter cocktail that we are still drowning in today.  We have a narrow choice: use sexual appeal to gain a cheated upper hand, or remain a weak, prudish, dehumanised existence.  Feminism needs to change this metanarrative, to reconstruct ideologies into realities.  Sexualising women is dehumanising.  Respecting women for their intellect, passion, and inner beauty, is the first step to bringing true equality.

The power of women needs to be reassessed. 

The reality of inequality needs to be reinterpreted. 

Feminism needs to be reborn. 

This is a call for Renaissance for today’s generation.

Made in His image...

Recently I found a huge scratch running along the top face of my Macbook, just next to the nice shiny white apple.  I was absolutely devastated.  I even cried in a rage that my once perfect piece of top-notch equipment was now defaced and in my eyes ruined, caused by a fault that wasn’t my own.  In my life I’ve had my fair share of injuries.  I’ve never broken a bone (touch wood), but I’ve dislocated my little finger, got a pool tile stuck in the heel of my foot, and had various other cuts and bruises on my arms and legs.  I attended a dance school (as well as a normal academic school) for 14 years of my life, where I tortured my body day after day.  If you’ve seen Natalie Portman’s feet bleed in ‘The Black Swan’ you’ll know what I mean.  If I combined all of my injuries together, the emotional trauma would not compare with that I felt when I scratched my beloved laptop.

If you’re thinking ‘what a shallow materialistic fool!’ then you are exactly right.  I wasn’t spoilt as a child, my grandparents always taught me that you have to work if you want to get anything in this world and it’s not just given to you.  So, as a poor student, I scrimped and saved for two years to buy my Mac, it being barely two months old when it was damaged earlier this week.  I felt I’d worked so hard for it, that I placed upon it more value than my own body.  I am completely foolish.  For far too long I’ve taken for granted this body I walk around in.  I’ve never really taken a second to step back, take a look at myself, and recognise that a God so lovingly, so mercifully, put more effort than I’ll ever know into carefully crafting my existence. 

The disrespect we have for our bodies is the root of many negative issues in modern life, varying hugely across the spectrum.  Starting at the extreme end of the scale, close friends of mine, and even I myself, have been both villain and victim in the act of self-harm due to depression.  Then consider that there are increasingly more and more women each day that are selling their bodies on the streets as a source of income.  Following this are the acts of substance abuse; drug addicts, alcoholics, and then there are those who fail to maintain a healthy diet and exercise regularly.  At the end of the day we are all guilty of disrespecting, or even abusing our bodies in some way or another, even the most trying of us.  We can never achieve perfect health (that’s what makes us human!).  But how many things can you count that you take pride in over your own body?  I’d bet more things than you have phalanges!

In my opinion, living healthily out of respect for your body isn’t preached enough in Church.  It is an issue seen as of little importance or even perhaps thought of as a prying issue to address to a congregation of over-polite English culture.  Why should we be afraid to nudge a friend and tell them they should stop eating so much cake and get the ‘5-a-day’ on their menus?  Why shouldn’t we drag one another outside for a run round the park or off for an hour at the swimming pool?  I know that I would appreciate it.  We need to be blunt in love, pushing one another, be that mirror that our best friends cannot run away from.  If it’s smoking, taking drugs, self harm, eating rubbish food, don’t let our over-politeness get in the way of glorifying what God so beautifully created.  Consequent of the development of technology and consumerism, as a culture we place far too much value upon the things in life that have no real value at all.  Slowly but surely, Americanisation is infecting us with the pleasure factor and we are offending more than ever.  But it’s not too late to change our outlooks; it’s no too late to be reminded that the body is sacred.

‘Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your bodies.’

                                                - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20